Piles are a pain in the ass!

Hemorrhoids are a pain in the ass

Apologies to Caroline Wozniacki for using her picture in this post. I could have put up a useful picture of piles to illustrate my piece, but I wanted to make the point that not all bums are bad.... just mine right now.

A huge number of people have Hemorrhoids or piles as they are often known, but not a lot of people talk about them.  Much to my displeasure I have discovered that there are two types of Hemorrhoids; internal and external.  Further to my discomfort I have discovered that I have both. What a pain in the ass!

Actually it turns out that internal hemorrhoids are usually painless.  The only sign that they are there is often bright red blood on your toilet paper.  By the way, if you have any bleeding from your rectum it needs to be checked out, particularly in men because it can also be a sign of something more sinister; Prostate Cancer.  Not that I heeded that advice. No not me.

I have put up with the occasional discomfort for a few years now without ever mentioning it.  By “a few years” I mean over 10.  But last week I found my life being disrupted by them and decided that even if my doctor is female, it was time to bare my sole (not that I am sure that my sole resides in that area of my anatomy).

I said piles are a pain in the ass and I meant it.  External hemorrhoids can be quite sore.  I have a further problem it turns out.  I have prolapsed Hemorrhoids.  What are prolapsed hemorrhoids?  They are when the hemorrhoids become so distended that they protrude outside the anus.  This has a really awful side effect…. lack of full control over bowel motions, or to put it bluntly, you can start to leak a bit.  Arrrgggghhhh.

I found myself planning my days around toilet access like a junkie planning my next fix.  I was restricting myself from travelling too far from a toilet in case of emergency.  It was only when I absolutely needed to go for half a day without a toilet that I decided that enough was enough.

That probably sounds ridiculous to most people reading this, but I’m a man and that’s how I roll.  I will take part in adventure sports, risk my life in the name of entertainment, but ask me to show my ass to a doctor and I’m just not going to do it without more than a little provocation.

What the hell are hemorrhoids anyway?

Glad you asked.  hemorrhoids are actually supposed to be helpful little vascular structures which help with stool control.  In other words they are little lumps filled with blood vessels that help you keep your shit together.  They become piles when they become inflamed and distended.

How do I get rid of Piles?

How do I get rid of piles is a bit of an obvious question I suppose. Well, this is the bit I really really don’t like.  If I had been lucky enough to only have external piles (yes I said lucky despite the fact that they are the sore ones), then I would just have to rub on some cream 3 times a day.  With internal ones I have to use suppositories.  I am amazed at the self restraint of my doctor for not telling me to “take these and shove them up your ass!”

If the lotions and potions don’t work then the other option is surgery.  Last night, as I found myself with my finger up my ass trying to get a little wax torpedo to stay in, I wondered why that isn’t the first option.  Frankly I’m writing this post to put off doing it again tonight.  You all remember the scene from trainspotting where Renton, having taken two morphine suppositories says

For all the good they’ve done me I might as well have

stuck them up my arse.

Remember the expression on his face as he inserted them? Well that’s going to be me in just a few minutes when I run out of words!

It’s not like I’m an old man or a junkie.  I’m 38 years old. Piles should not be happening to me right now (or back then as the case was).  I blame the hard living during my 20′s mostly.  Either way, it is high time that they ceased to be part of my life.  I know I’m going to feel slightly less than clever for not doing something about it years ago when I get over the sticking things up my bum part.

By the way, the doctor never even asked me to take off my trousers, let alone bend over. She diagnosed by my descriptive language alone.  If it doesn’t clear up in a month its in for a colonoscopy with me.  Hmmm, I think I’ll put up with the little tiny pointed sweeties going up my back passage if it means avoiding a whole bloody film crew.

Hemorrhoids.  I never even wanted to be able to spell that word.  Piles of discomfort for years and all it takes to get rid of them is a little debasement, a little dent to the ego, a little poke in the ass and there I am getting the problem sorted out.

If you suffer from piles, then don’t delay, go to your doctor today.  They won’t laugh at you.  They will just help you get rid of them so that you can go back to living a life with one less embarrassing secret.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


WordPress theme: Kippis 1.15